As many of you probably already know, Ricky Gervais owned elitist Hollywood rich douchebags night as no one has before. As soon as he came out, he let it be known that this would be his “last time hosting” the Golden Globes.
He’s right. They’ll never invite the guy back.
That’s because the truth hurts.
The truth is, these celeb award shows are nothing but virtue signaling to their colleagues. It’s all a sham that allows them a stage to moan about the world as they live lavishly and hypocritically.
And the truth came roaring through the station like an out of control train last night during his opening monologue.
So what were Ricky Gervais’ biggest slams?
The ownage is deep, but let’s rank his top slaps the face.
The first two, without question, or the highest quality douchebag ownage of all time. Make no mistake, you can jerk off to these quotes and feel good about yourself. No shame at all.
“So if you do win an award tonight, don’t use it as a platform to make a political speech. You’re in no position to lecture the public, about anything. You know nothing about the real world. Most of you spent less time in school than Greta Thunberg. So, if you win, come up, accept your little award, thank your agent and your god, and fuck off.”
“Apple roared into the TV game with The Morning Show, a super drama about the importance of dignity and doing the right thing, made by a company that runs sweatshops in China. You say you’re woke, but the companies you work for, it’s unbelievable—Apple, Amazon, Disney. If ISIS started a streaming service, you’d call your agent.”
BINGO.
Woke Hollywood will work with anyone who will pay them. Yet they still expect the rest of us proliterates to live the moral life.
Of course, many woke celebs immediately began to cry inside, looking down. Hoping it would end. Plotting how they’ll have him suicided.
Following that, he attacked Kevin Hart’s Oscars firing, The Hollywood Foreign Press, and major directors and actors.
“Nobody cares about movies anymore. No one goes to the cinema, no one really watches network TV. Everyone’s watching Netflix. This show should just be me coming out going, “Well done, Netflix. You win—everything.” But no, we’ve got to drag it out for three hours. You could binge-watch the entire first season of After Life instead of watching this show. That’s a show about a man who wants to kill himself because his wife dies of cancer, and it’s still more fun than this. Spoiler alert: Season 2 is on the way, so in the end, he obviously didn’t kill himself. Just like Jeffrey Epstein.”
“This is the last time I’m hosting these awards. I don’t care anymore. I’m joking: I never did. NBC clearly don’t care either. Kevin Hart was fired from the Oscars because of some offensive tweets. Lucky for me, the Hollywood Foreign Press can barely speak English, and they’ve no idea what Twitter is. I got offered this gig by fax.”
“The Irishman was amazing. Long, but amazing. It wasn’t the only epic movie. Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, nearly three hours long. Leonardo DiCaprio attended the premiere, and by the end, his date was too old for him. Even Prince Andrew’s like, “Come on, Leo, mate. You’re nearly 50, son.”
“All the best actors have jumped to Netflix and HBO. And the actors who just do Hollywood movies do fantasy adventure nonsense. They wear masks and capes and really tight costumes. Their job isn’t acting anymore. It’s going to the gym twice a day and taking steroids. Have we got an award for most ripped junkie?”
“Icame here in a limo tonight, and the license plate was made by Felicity Huffman. It’s her daughter I feel sorry for. That must be the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to her, and her dad was in Wild Hogs.”
“Martin Scorsese, the greatest living director, made the news for his comments about Marvel movies. He said they’re not real cinema and they remind him of theme parks. I agree, although I don’t know what he’s doing hanging around theme parks. He’s not big enough to go on the rides.”
“Lots of famous people here tonight. I mean, legends, iconic. This table alone. Al Pacino, Robert De Niro. Baby Yoda—oh, that’s Joe Pesci, sorry.”
