Mashable, RIP, you folks were good while you lasted. But now you are dead. Moments after Bruce Jenner had his penis turned into vagina, your site officially went from tech blog to entertainment slop. Like Jenner, you’d been trying to be the real you for at least a year, but yesterday, you officially achieved it. I’d like to punch you in your fucking face, Mashable, but I can’t. Because you are a website and that’s impossible.
Anyone that has Mashable in their Facebook feed had to notice the unprecedented amount of updates they ran on Bruce becoming Caitlyn. There was a point I felt like Derek Jeter had urinated herpes into my eyes, that’s how bad it hurt. I am pretty sure two bearded guys donning black robes and black face mask with the letters ISIS printed all over them could have kidnapped the Olsen twins, given them Bill Cosby-tinis, and then flown them in Jetblue planes into a Taco Bell at breakfast time and we’d maybe seen a 1/3 the amount of updates we saw from them about Bruce Caitlyn Kardashian Jenner.
Within a 24 hour period, Mashable shit out 11 goddamn Caitlyn Jenner articles. Seriously, in 1 day’s worth of time, 11 articles. How in the fuck all is that even possible? They can’t even pretend to be a real actual news site anymore. That’s over.
I kinda see the morning of June 1st like this:
“Ok Mashable Staff writers, today we are all Caitlyn Jenner. I want nothing but Caitlyn Jenner. Unless you have his severed penis in a pickle jar, you should be pumping out 1 article per hour!”
“But sir, that’s a lot of articles about 1 story. What do I do with the Hooters waitress donating her liver to the 72 year old dying man story?”
“The human body has 2 livers. It only, at most, has 1 penis. Go with Caitlyn.”
“But sir what if people get sick of this? I mean what if we just cover the Vanity Fair cover story and move on?”
“I want reactions. I want to know what indigenous Peruvian tribes think. In fact, get pictures of them with their bowl cuts and write up a solid headline ‘Peruvian Tribe Supports Caitlyn By Grunting'”
Seriously, let’s relive the most incredible shitty day on the Internet in 11 amazing images.
Jenner and the Kardashians Angle
Jenner and Fox News Is a Bigot Angle
