Yeah, I know, you have a bracket at work. How do I know? You told me like 800 times. I know for fact your dumb ass hasn’t watched even 1 game second of college basketball this year, you don’t have any idea where Gonzaga is located and you think Dick Vitale is a supplement for you or your man’s small dick size. But no matter, you have a fucking bracket. Thank God, you deserve a bracket. And you deserve to tell me all about it on Facebook, all day, the last few weekends of March. I deserve to hear this shit also. I deserve to know about your bracket.
To help, here are some tips to better handle your bracket this year. Follow these steps and your bracket brag is full fucking proof.
If You Lose Your Bracket.
No worries, you never cared, you never spent a real shit second looking it over. You need to immediately make sure it is no mark against your obvious superior intelligence. You could have thought through your picks, but instead you cloned a pig and a tree and now we have a new cloned forest full of fucking pigs. Because you are that smart. You need to let everyone at your office know that you never gave even a little shit about that bracket. Sure, you ponied up $20 from your daughter’s play costume fund, but you only did that to be a part of the team. Cause you are a fucking team employee.
What Happens If A Bunch Of Your Teams Lose On Opening Day?
Don’t even sweat this. Just follow this simple, easy to follow, out of box, solution for early busted brackets.
First, log on to the Internet. Second, go up to the browser and type over where it says pornhub.com/?supermariobros-lay-pipe-to-zelda and replace that with facebook.com.
Next, update your status with “OMG Bracket BUSTED FML LMAO.” In the comments, you need to leave “THANKS <insert college team name here>. This will let everyone know that you were part of a group. You were included into something greater than even yourself. You have fucking friends, lots of them. And not just regular friends, friends that have a disposable Andrew Jackson on them.
What Happens If You Accidentally Pick A Major Upset?
The best approach here is to start early. You probably don’t watch the games, but, in the event you end up watching a game and notice that, “hey, holy shit, that #9 is beating that #2 and holy moly shit I picked this,” you need to make a quick, simple Facebook post.
Had a feeling ’bout The Shockers. Just sayin’
This sets you up to look like old fucking Einstein’s brain on Viagra. Now when they win and a bunch of hicks from Wichita storm the court, that’s when you go all in and say any of the following:
Shockers guard play has been good all year, surprised they were ranked so low
Wichita has been underrated all year
Shockers get out in transition, I saw this coming a mile away
You just pick any of them. You can’t get called out. Because at the end of the day, most of the other assholes that have brackets don’t watch basketball either, so they have no actual idea if what you are saying is true, so they assume it is true. This is true for most of society in general, so really the rule mostly always applies.
Your Alma Mater Loses A Game
Become totally disheveled as if you just found out that your cat died from global warming related issues. Pretend at this point that you were always a huge fan. You’ve been waiting for your shithole mid-major, all white team to get into the tourney for 20 years, then they finally do it and they get smashed by Duke. Go to Twitter, say mean things about rich kids that go to Duke. Talk about how your heart has always been in Wherever, Utah. Act as if you’ve been to a game there. Post a selfie that you are a team supporter for life.
Then never watch another game again, and you’ve got this shit covered.
