I was recently invited to join a few friends at an Escape Room. They said it would be fun. To be honest, before I went, I didn’t really know much about Escape Rooms other than a grip of douchy post I’d seen on Facebook of office workers holding shitty trophies and posting times. I imagined Escape Rooms to be incredibly stupid. And as it turns out, they are. Which makes me a fucking genius.
This is the part where you slam me in the comments.
“You are such a hater.”
“To each their own.”
“Everyone likes different things, it is what makes the world go round.”
Maybe that’s all true, but it doesn’t make the fact that escape rooms are ridiculous any less true.
If you don’t already know what an escape room is, allow me to explain it. First, whatever you might have in your mind as a preconceived notion about what an escape room is, what I am about to tell you will be 100 times worse. Escape rooms are basically rooms that you must mill around in and find clues to help you open doors to new rooms until you finally get out of the rooms entirely. The clues are are fucking stupid and silly, basically requiring you to dig through a bunch of junk. Clues could be keys, or like a torn piece of paper that has it’s other piece “hidden” in some dirty ass jeans or in a diary. Escape rooms can cost you about $100 to do. They give you 60 minutes to either try to figure out how to escape or to sulk that you were stupid enough to waste an hour’s worth of your time doing something that was obviously going to be really stupid. The clues are not smart, they are super stupid. You are basically trapped in a room full of junk, digging around directionless and pointlessly, looking for crap that somehow helps you open a door. It is awful.
People go in teams and many of them do shit like dress up in army fatigues or detective outfits. Its so fucking stupid it is literally painful.
So in the event you are ever invited to participate in an escape room, here are my tips to escaping.
1) Say no.
Tell whatever assclown invited you to this shit that you can’t go. Give them one of the following excuses:
-you are baking broccoli
-you are going to spend the day seeing how long you can without urinating
-you are going to build a telescope using pipes and wine glasses
By doing this, you escape the escape room before ending up in the escape room. This makes you a fucking genius. Fuck escape rooms.
2) Call the emergency line, tell them to let you the fuck out of the escape room because escape rooms are stupid as fuck.
Every escape room has a “tips hotline” for dumb people who don’t know how to dig through drawers of someone’s dirty laundry and search for keys in their pockets. Use this line to call and tell them to open the door and let you back out into the non-escape-world. Tell them to do it immediately. When they ask “why?” tell them its because “escape rooms are fucking stupid.” The rest of the people on your “escape room team” will end up mad at you, but by taking you to an escape room in the first place and shitting on your perfectly fine day, those people have already proven that they aren’t actually your friends. You don’t need them. If they never end up escaping the escape room, your life is 100 times better by default.
Boom. That was easy.
