Charlotte McKinney is Instafamous. Many bros consider her vagina to be top level shit, sort of like when you are deciding on Italian food: Fazolis = Regular Shit while Olive Garden = Top Level Shit. You want to eat Olive Garden, not Fazolis.
But what if I told you that dating Charlotte McKinney wasn’t like dining in at Olive Garden at all? What if I told you that instead, it was potentially the same as shitting on an unprotected Fazolis shitter? Would you call me crazy?
WHAT. If I could prove it? Check out these 10 proof positive reasons….
1) Her pale clavicle
Imagine you are hanging out at a beach. And one of your bros is like “omg your girlfriend has such a nice tan I’d put my tongue on her she’s an awesome lampshade material” but then he is like “wait, wtf is wrong with her clavicle? Why is it so pale? Do you sex that?”
What would have started off as a good day suddenly turns into the day where your bros are like “my boy bangs this girl with a pale clavicle.”
Who would want to be the bro banging the vagina who has a nasty pale clavicle?
2) Pointy shoulders
Charlotte McKinney: “Hey, look over there, can you grab the lubricant so I can rub it all over your naked fat body?”
Charlotte McKinney: “No, the other way!”
Charlotte McKinney: “Wait, where are you going???”
YOU: “Fuck Charlotte, I’m sorry, I can never tell which way you are pointing because it always looks like your shoulders are pointing me in a totally different direction!”
Does that sound like something you want to deal with 3 times a day? I think not…
3) She’s Not On Dirty Hookup Sites
Let’s keep shit real. Most of you losers have to go on sites like FuckBook (NSFW) to get laid. And when you see a hot girl that’s not on some hookup dating site, you immediately condemn her as “not hot.”
So we are gonna list it here to make you feel better, even though it is actually ridiculous. Oh, and we realize we just lost a bunch of you losers to a grimy hookup site. But so be it.
4) She has ginormous bigfoot feet which ruin beaches
Think of it now. You are driving through Arkansas. You pull into a Chili’s bar and grill because you are hungry for a solid Triple Dipper experience (the lineup being SW egg rolls, big mouth bites and chicken crispers). When suddenly, out of nowhere, Arkansas state police approach you and ask you if your girlfriend, Charlotte McKinney, is Bigfoot. How would you ever explain that she’s not? What if you never got to eat your triple dipper because you were talking to some officer about how big and ugly your girlfriend, Charlotte McKinney’s, feet are?
5) She’s not durable
It’s difficult to fully grasp the tradgedy that would be your life here, but imagine for a second that every time you went anywhere, you had Charlotte McKinney bothering you with “I’m cold can you cuddle me” or “this hike is long maybe we should take a break in this cave for a few minutes.” Ugh.
6) She Has Way Too Many Towels In Her Bathroom
There you are, hanging out with your bros at Charlotte McKinney’s pad. Suddenly, one of them needs to use her restroom. When they get there, they can’t stomach to go because all they see are towels. Once they realize that Charlotte McKinney is a towel hoarder, no one will respect you for dating her.
7) She Hangs Out In Sleazy Hotels
Can you even begin to imagine what goes on in these sleazy motels?
I can’t.
CAN.
Wait, this is a hard sell. I love sleazy motels and super hot girls.
But no, she’s bad. Very, very bad.
8) She wears denim
Canadian people wear denim as suits. Canadian people mostly suck. When was the last time you were hanging out with a bunch of Canadians who were wearing suits and thought, “now this is the time of my life.” Never.
9) She Hangs Out In Pool Bars Dressed Like “Spies Like Us”
Yeah, you thought Charlotte McKinney was hot, until you discovered she sometimes likes to Russian up her attire and hang in sleazy pool bars.
What man could deal with this?
10) She Jaywalks
That shit could get you killed. Is it really worth dating Charlotte McKinney if you end up flattened by a NYC cabbie?
I think not, bros.
So there you have. 10 solid excuses you can give for why you would never want to date one of the world’s hottest girls of all time.
Feel better?
