Everyone morning on the news there is a new story about “bullying.” When I grew up, everyone was supposed to learn how to stick up for themselves in some reasonable way, but no more are those days. Now any verbal infraction, whether in person or on social media, is a social infraction punishable by huge sappy Facebook post and discrimination lawsuits. We are a country of pussies. But who really is at fault here? Maybe the kids are just the pawns of parents always playing the victim cards?
Want a kid that isn’t bullied or is a bully? Try these:
1) Shut The Fuck Up About Celebrities.
You bitch daily with your kid about bullies. But then TMZ comes on and you are right there talking about how fat Kim Kardashian’s ass is. I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve seen some dumb fuck mother come on Facebook talking about how their kid was bullied, then post some celebrity article demeaning how shitty the women looked in their Oscars dress. Oh I don’t know, where do kids get the concept of bullying? I mean it CAN’T BE YOU!!!
2) Stop Teaching Your Kid To Be A Victim.
Your kid is learning from you. When you complain about every little thing, they pick up on that. Furthermore, when they see you always getting attention by playing the victim card, they see it as a way to naturally cultivate attention. Rather than learning to ignore and or face turmoil, they learn instead to cry about it, seek out sympathy, and probably one day file a lawsuit for mental anguish.
3) Teach Your Kid To Toughen Up.
When I was a kid, I was constantly being told “no one is going to care in the real world.” I was always preparing for the proverbial real world that awaited me, where I was going to need to be mature, responsible and tough to handle. The proverbial real world is now gone for most parents, replaced with a world that caters to “everyone should be treated fair.” It sounds nice on paper, but its largely inapplicable even in a world that has Lena Dunham. Saying “toughen up” doesn’t mean you need to leave your kid in a desert for 3 days with no water, or you can’t hug them, it just means you need to stop being a complete pussy when you tell them how the world works. Otherwise, they enter the world believing that if they aren’t treated in a way they perceive as fair, they were bullied.
4) Stop Going Into The School And Throwing A Fit.
Your kid got tripped at school and called a name. Then you run into the school ghetto style screaming at teachers acting like an asshat (and brag about it on social media). See the irony here? Calm the fuck down. If you want to go in to school and solve an issue, good on you. But be nice, teachers aren’t the enemy. Parents of other kids really aren’t the enemy. The world can have some bad days, your kid needs to realize that. People are more likely to work with you when you aren’t a ghetto version of Nathan Lane from Birdcage.
Get your shit together. Act like an adult with complex thinking and problem solving skills. See if your kid follows your example.
5) Stop Joining Sports Where Everyone Gets A Ribbon.
There should be a first place. Why? Because that’s how shit actually works. Why on earth do you think its a good idea to teach your kid that there are no losers in life? There are losers. Lots of them. I’ve been one repeatedly. Nobody who is winning today wasn’t at one time exposed to losing. That’s the point. Losing sucks balls. It makes you want to win.
6) Put Your Kid In Jiu Jitsu, Not Tae Kwon Do.
Fighting should always be a last resort, but if a kid does put your kid in a headlock and nuggy the fuck out of his or her head, your kid will be able to escape. And I promise, that will be the last time that ever happens again. Tae Kwon Do is a money pit, it teaches no useful self-defense. Do your research. Parent the fuck up.
7) Teach Your Kids To Handle Verbal Insults.
You can’t Lena Dunham the world, it is too big. With Social Media and face-to-face interaction, the world is always going to have a place for people to say mean shit to you and your kids. Teach them to deal with it. Teach them how to ignore it. Give them the skills to hand this shit. Try being a parent (yeah I know, it isn’t easy).
Stop trying to get Twitter shut down. If your kid is incredibly depressed or maybe even suicidal over mean Tweets, then you need to deal with YOUR kid, not the bully. Because life is going to always offer up mean tweets, mean coworkers, bitches that bang your husband, neighbors who call you fat, and drivers who cut you off and flip you off and then call you fat and ugly. Don’t you think it is better that your kid learn to shake that shit off now? Or do you want to teach them that the social police will always be around to arrest these people and then hug them?
8) In General, Stop Being A Pussy.
If you missed everything I said but just did this one thing, everything would be fine. Stop being a total bitch about everything. Life isn’t easy, but honestly, there are more great days than shitty ones. Stop being owned by the shitty ones and then feeling like a victim who is owed something from the rest of us. Harden the fuck up. Your kid will appreciate it because they will grow up stronger with an innate ability to shake off stupid Twitter comments.
