The douchebag / asshole presence in Whole Foods is pretty damn evident if you have ever been inside of one. Whole Foods is a decent store for sure, but these dipshits totally ruin the experience. Are you one?
1) You Spend A Snail’s Lifespan Reading The Ingredients In The Hot Bar Items.
Look fuckface, I am just trying to get some organic mac and cheese, some ground beef and fucking quinoa and be on my way. You don’t have to hold me up by reading every single ingredient on the lasagna. Here’s the thing, it’s lasagna, there is like a bunch of shit in it, get over it. There is no way to make Lasagna from just a tomato and a spindle. What one possible ingredient could sway this decision? Oh I know, you don’t eat gluten, then why are you fucking hovering over the lasagna label? It’s Italian food. You shouldn’t even be allowed to go to Italy, to be honest, much less hold me up so you can confirm that Lasagna has gluten. Are you looking for carbs? Some secret random ingredient? You’re a food pussy, plain and simple, and you have no business in the hot bar war zone.
2) It’s A Wine Sampling Display, Not An Actual Shitty Bar.
How long could it possibly take to take down a spoonful’s worth of Dreaming Tree Chardonnay? The answer is NOT LONG. Take your sample, swallow it, toss your cup and move on so that the rest of us can get our rightful spoonful of libation for being Whole Food’s shoppers also. If you want another spoonful paper cup wine, fuck, that’s fine, but do like the rest of us do and make another full lap. It’s the unwritten rule, stop being an asshole about it. And no, you aren’t at a bar, the wine sample lady ain’t a real bartender, stop telling her all your stories. No one, including her, cares about the great amazing odysseys of your wine tasting expeditions. Move your fat ass and your shitty cart out of the way so the rest of us can get our rightful serving.
3) You Forgot Something While Checking Out. So You Go Get It While The Line Waits.
Fuck you.
4) You Illegally Park Your Cart In Front Of The Meat Section.
There are designated areas for carts. If you want to park your cart, put it out in the parking lot like everyone else does. When you are in the store, keep that shit moving. The only reason your cart should stop is if you are actually adding another item to your cart or having a heart attack. Waiting for meat guy to get to you while you wait by your cart (perfectly OK). Discussing the oven temp for the already wrapped and tagged meat (mostly OK). Your left arm hurts real bad and you collapse to the floor (ok and I’m sorry). Leaving your cart in front of the bacon while you walk over to get soap and pasta (Fuck You). I have always wanted to run a tow service in Whole Foods. Like carts parked too long in front of things like the meat section, the hot bar and the pizza bar, you can just call in and a tow service will come get that shit out of the way. If you want to illegally park your cart, do it in front of the Kale, that shit’s gross and only assholes buy Kale.
5) You Think The Entire Store Of Whole Foods Is Merely A Front For An Elaborate, Neanderthal Cave Experience.
You don’t have to try to listen too closely to hear people say things like “well I am shopping Whole Foods now because I am trying a caveman diet.” Well motherfucker, you’re standing on the bread aisle, and cavefuckers didn’t have bread machines as far as I know, so your paleo / caveman diet is already a massive fail. Bread is bread, cereal is cereal, cake is cake, doesn’t matter if you buy it at Whole Foods, Ralphs, Albertsons, or motherfucking Piggly Wiggly. Caves didn’t have air conditioning or coffee bars. In real caveman life, you’d have gotten your ass kicked for a piece of bread.
6) You Are A Vitamix Station Asshole.
Stop bothering the Vitamix person. Vitamix pays for that as ad space, they hope your cheap ass buys a Vitamix, they aren’t doing it because they’ve always wanted to give out pinneaple, almond milk, blueberry and kale shakes for free. Stop hovering and asking dumbass questions. The Vitamix person is talking on a fucking intercom, so when you ask dumb ass questions, we all have to hear the even dumber answer, which is primarily, “well of course you can!” Why is that always the answer? Because the question is always “can I put blah blah in also along with the blah blah that you have in there now?” Listen fucker, it’s a Vitamix, you could put your hand in there and it would slaughter the shit out of it. And we are talking about fruits mostly here, of course you can put another fruit or veg with it, why the hell not? Its what your taste enjoys, there is no law, asshole.
7) You Tell Me When There Is A Gluten Free Version.
What the fuck? You act like this is a pharmacy (you know sir, there is a generic version of valtrex available). Get the hell out of my shopping business! I happen to like Gluten, the shit is good, all your gluten free versions of my good shit falls apart, then I get really mad and start throwing cupcakes against the wall in a fury of gluten free rage! Try not watching what I buy, I don’t need you hovering and then chiming in. I am capable of reading labels, not too mention every damn aisle has a GLUTEN FREE tag somewhere on it. I used to light them on fire but apparently that wasn’t acceptable, plus Gluten doesn’t really burn well. My theory is that not even heaven wants Gluten free shit, so its made to resist death.
